Let it Rayne

Part 1

That’s difficult to answer. We see, hear, feel, and perceive the world in completely different ways. Not limited to non autistic individuals but there is great diversity within the autistic community as well.

I can’t speak to what it’s like for others with autism but I can show my unique way of seeing and understanding of the world, odd behaviors explained, and some embarrassing fun facts.

1 – Let’s start with some basics. Autism affects how the brain processes external stimulus. Try to imagine pouring water into a funnel. When the water coming into the funnel and the water exiting are equal no water is spilled. That represents a non autistic. Take the same flow and amount of water except reduce the outflow by at least 50%. As water begins to overfill the funnel that’s when meltdowns occur. That represents my veiw of how I process information.

2 – I always knew I was was a literal person. I didn’t know to what ridiculous level in which took it. I understand things exactly like you say them. This becomes a major issue during conflicts. It is also difficult to differentiate between friendly teasing and personal attacks. Those two alone make interactions complex and often results in hurt feelings.

3 – Sarcasm…. I thought I was a sarcasm master. As it turns out, I was just in the waiting room and there’s a whole warehouse of sarcasm that didn’t know about. More often than not sarcasm, beyond the plainly obvious, goes right over my head and I take it completely seriously. I’ve developed filters to catch thing that seem funny or similar to other things but I’m pretty terrible at it. It’s embarrassing but I constantly ask now if people if they mean something or if I’m mistaken. Reading sarcasm is absolutely off the table! I can not do it. I’m very cautious when engaging in text conversations.

4 – I have to closely monitor how I phrase my words and what tone I use. I almost never realize that I’ve said something that also means something inappropriate or dirty. If my tone isn’t controlled it will eventually soften and weaken, sounding like a creepy old man. And I never know how loud or quiet I am.

5 – I have a seriously difficult time with touch sensitivity. First I am touch sensitive in few ways. I’m very uncomfortable with physical contact and I’m sensitive to proximity invasion. Next I have always struggled to understand the necessity for engaging ritual physical touching to appease social protocols. I’ve learned to give hugs, but I’m told it’s either to much or to little. Also I have taught myself to tolerate handshaking but I found out I’m called a “dead fish”. Personal space is a huge deal. More than I’ll admit, and I get extremely agitated and panicked if I feel people are to close. One of my top meltdown triggers is getting bumped around, or bumping into things. Crowded areas require a significant amount of concentration, control and energy to avoid public meltdowns.

5 – I can not dance, not in any manner. And I’m quite sure most autistics would say the same. Dancing is an absurdly confusing and complex series of coordinated repeating movements randomly articulated to a different type of complex rhythm in very close proximity to others doing different things all while trying to not hit anyone else. And all while normally drinking…. I can hardly walk up stairs! Nope….. Nope….. Lol

That’s android, I’ll thank you. And definitely not Mars. Ok, Saturns moon Enceladus. But of course not that’d be…silly… Lol. All kidding aside the answer is yes, and no.

The real answer is, to no surprise, complicated but stick with me folks. It’ll make sense on the end…or not. Lets find out.

I’ll have to break this down into a couple categories. First it gets so much easier to explain how my brain processes when compared to a computer or phone even.

Like a computer I have a limited amount of energy (ram) for all operating functions (programs). The more functions I engage in reduces the overall effectiveness of the functions running. Keep in mind, all vital systems and background operations require energy from the same pool.

You know when you get a 500gig hard drive, install it only to find you can only use 425 gigs? Same thing essential.

Now I consider the autistic brain not as good as a super computer but not quite an old school beast either. More like a highly customized pc where to in order for higher end programs and software we have to sacrifice other important programs.

Personal example, I am above average intelligence, ok actually (embarrassed) …quite a bit more than above average intelligence.

But I sacrifice almost all of my common sense and street smarts. I lovingly refer to myself as the dumbest smart person you will meet. But it is a fact.

I can spew unbelievable amounts of raw information about things some smart people fail to understand. But on the other side it is embarrassing and often dangerous how simplest things that everyone knows just elude my comprehension.

You know how pissed you get when you’re phone/pc is running to many apps and/or to many open tabs and just bogs down and eventually lock up. We’ll exact same process to me. When I get close my limit, I canffeel my neural receptors miss firing, verbal skills slow them eventual meltdown or shutdown, likely both.

Now, switch over to how I had to adapt how I see myself. Growing up I was so confused about why I was nothing like them. The brain is a fascinating mechanism that does unimaginable things to protect itself.

In school, I was that kid everyone talks about. I didn’t understand basic rules like “don’t touch” “stay here” “quiet time”. You get it now, right.. Talking about that missing common sense here.. Lol. I had trouble with volume and tone. I have a difficult time forming and saying words clearly. Used my own language and made weird sounds. I was quickly mocked because I didn’t move my face for any expressions. So you see, i looked, acted, and sounded like a a robot. So I decided I’d just be a robot.

Fast forward to the emergence of my hero and who I’ve related to more than anything in ever. Data from star trek. (wait for laughter to die down). I am dead f’n serious.

It’s actually a simple psychological process the brain does to functionality understand and cope with extreme emotional distress that is beyond its tolerance.

Plus, and it sounds dumb but, data was the first person that I saw have such trouble understanding humans. Always failing terribly at all attempts to better emulate their behavior. The only android that exists. No one to answer his question or comfort him. No one to learn from. Always trying to be just like them but all failed attempts push him just further into isolation. I finally had something to compare myself to when I was growing up.

I often joke about how the mothership forgot to pick me up when asked or confronted with questions about how weird I am.

Now let’s go internal here. I figured out lightning fast that I was not like every other person I knew. Fast forward to teen years, when I really began to see the darkness in peoples hearts. Terrible people doing the worst horrible things to each other, and to me. Mostly for absurd reasons I didn’t understand or care about… Mainly money, power, sex!

I am not capable of doing or even being a part of anything that knowingly results in hurting others. I’m non violent (well to others), I’m dedicated to avoid actions that inadvertently affect others. I can’t lie, I don’t steal, absolutely appalled by cheating. I need to follow rules and so forth.

I saw a clear division between how I treat others. I, today can not understand human nature. Seeing how separate I was from them, it was just a natural progression to assimilating an android like self image.

So no, I’m not really a space robot. But it helps others to understand me better. And it comforts me to disassociate myself from all the hate, dark, and flat out evil human nature showed to me.

Oh yeah, why Saturn? Just love it. I would stare at pictures of it for hours. And I chose Enceladus because it simply fascinates me. And it seems easier to see Saturn from a moon than it’s own surface.

So.. Beep boop beep, beam me up Scotty. Space robot out