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My name is Rayne, I am disabled and suffer from a number of mental, emotional, and physical conditions.

I spent a lifetime living in the shadow of my disabilities and enduring abuse and neglect.

I chose to share my history to those of you who feel like you are alone and need to hear that others have made it and continue to improve their lives.

I encourage any questions or comments, but please be respectful. Remember, I am a disabled mental health patient after all.

Check back soon for initial postings!

R.S. Greyson

So, you got the autism huh? What’s that like?

Part 1

That’s difficult to answer. We see, hear, feel, and perceive the world in completely different ways. Not limited to non autistic individuals but there is great diversity within the autistic community as well.

I can’t speak to what it’s like for others with autism but I can show my unique way of seeing and understanding of the world, odd behaviors explained, and some embarrassing fun facts.

1 – Let’s start with some basics. Autism affects how the brain processes external stimulus. Try to imagine pouring water into a funnel. When the water coming into the funnel and the water exiting are equal no water is spilled. That represents a non autistic. Take the same flow and amount of water except reduce the outflow by at least 50%. As water begins to overfill the funnel that’s when meltdowns occur. That represents my veiw of how I process information.

2 – I always knew I was was a literal person. I didn’t know to what ridiculous level in which took it. I understand things exactly like you say them. This becomes a major issue during conflicts. It is also difficult to differentiate between friendly teasing and personal attacks. Those two alone make interactions complex and often results in hurt feelings.

3 – Sarcasm…. I thought I was a sarcasm master. As it turns out, I was just in the waiting room and there’s a whole warehouse of sarcasm that didn’t know about. More often than not sarcasm, beyond the plainly obvious, goes right over my head and I take it completely seriously. I’ve developed filters to catch thing that seem funny or similar to other things but I’m pretty terrible at it. It’s embarrassing but I constantly ask now if people if they mean something or if I’m mistaken. Reading sarcasm is absolutely off the table! I can not do it. I’m very cautious when engaging in text conversations.

4 – I have to closely monitor how I phrase my words and what tone I use. I almost never realize that I’ve said something that also means something inappropriate or dirty. If my tone isn’t controlled it will eventually soften and weaken, sounding like a creepy old man. And I never know how loud or quiet I am.

5 – I have a seriously difficult time with touch sensitivity. First I am touch sensitive in few ways. I’m very uncomfortable with physical contact and I’m sensitive to proximity invasion. Next I have always struggled to understand the necessity for engaging ritual physical touching to appease social protocols. I’ve learned to give hugs, but I’m told it’s either to much or to little. Also I have taught myself to tolerate handshaking but I found out I’m called a “dead fish”. Personal space is a huge deal. More than I’ll admit, and I get extremely agitated and panicked if I feel people are to close. One of my top meltdown triggers is getting bumped around, or bumping into things. Crowded areas require a significant amount of concentration, control and energy to avoid public meltdowns.

5 – I can not dance, not in any manner. And I’m quite sure most autistics would say the same. Dancing is an absurdly confusing and complex series of coordinated repeating movements randomly articulated to a different type of complex rhythm in very close proximity to others doing different things all while trying to not hit anyone else. And all while normally drinking…. I can hardly walk up stairs! Nope….. Nope….. Lol

You don’t really believe that you’re a space robot from Mars, right?

That’s android, I’ll thank you. And definitely not Mars. Ok, Saturns moon Enceladus. But of course not that’d be…silly… Lol. All kidding aside the answer is yes, and no.

The real answer is, to no surprise, complicated but stick with me folks. It’ll make sense on the end…or not. Lets find out.

I’ll have to break this down into a couple categories. First it gets so much easier to explain how my brain processes when compared to a computer or phone even.

Like a computer I have a limited amount of energy (ram) for all operating functions (programs). The more functions I engage in reduces the overall effectiveness of the functions running. Keep in mind, all vital systems and background operations require energy from the same pool.

You know when you get a 500gig hard drive, install it only to find you can only use 425 gigs? Same thing essential.

Now I consider the autistic brain not as good as a super computer but not quite an old school beast either. More like a highly customized pc where to in order for higher end programs and software we have to sacrifice other important programs.

Personal example, I am above average intelligence, ok actually (embarrassed) …quite a bit more than above average intelligence.

But I sacrifice almost all of my common sense and street smarts. I lovingly refer to myself as the dumbest smart person you will meet. But it is a fact.

I can spew unbelievable amounts of raw information about things some smart people fail to understand. But on the other side it is embarrassing and often dangerous how simplest things that everyone knows just elude my comprehension.

You know how pissed you get when you’re phone/pc is running to many apps and/or to many open tabs and just bogs down and eventually lock up. We’ll exact same process to me. When I get close my limit, I canffeel my neural receptors miss firing, verbal skills slow them eventual meltdown or shutdown, likely both.

Now, switch over to how I had to adapt how I see myself. Growing up I was so confused about why I was nothing like them. The brain is a fascinating mechanism that does unimaginable things to protect itself.

In school, I was that kid everyone talks about. I didn’t understand basic rules like “don’t touch” “stay here” “quiet time”. You get it now, right.. Talking about that missing common sense here.. Lol. I had trouble with volume and tone. I have a difficult time forming and saying words clearly. Used my own language and made weird sounds. I was quickly mocked because I didn’t move my face for any expressions. So you see, i looked, acted, and sounded like a a robot. So I decided I’d just be a robot.

Fast forward to the emergence of my hero and who I’ve related to more than anything in ever. Data from star trek. (wait for laughter to die down). I am dead f’n serious.

It’s actually a simple psychological process the brain does to functionality understand and cope with extreme emotional distress that is beyond its tolerance.

Plus, and it sounds dumb but, data was the first person that I saw have such trouble understanding humans. Always failing terribly at all attempts to better emulate their behavior. The only android that exists. No one to answer his question or comfort him. No one to learn from. Always trying to be just like them but all failed attempts push him just further into isolation. I finally had something to compare myself to when I was growing up.

I often joke about how the mothership forgot to pick me up when asked or confronted with questions about how weird I am.

Now let’s go internal here. I figured out lightning fast that I was not like every other person I knew. Fast forward to teen years, when I really began to see the darkness in peoples hearts. Terrible people doing the worst horrible things to each other, and to me. Mostly for absurd reasons I didn’t understand or care about… Mainly money, power, sex!

I am not capable of doing or even being a part of anything that knowingly results in hurting others. I’m non violent (well to others), I’m dedicated to avoid actions that inadvertently affect others. I can’t lie, I don’t steal, absolutely appalled by cheating. I need to follow rules and so forth.

I saw a clear division between how I treat others. I, today can not understand human nature. Seeing how separate I was from them, it was just a natural progression to assimilating an android like self image.

So no, I’m not really a space robot. But it helps others to understand me better. And it comforts me to disassociate myself from all the hate, dark, and flat out evil human nature showed to me.

Oh yeah, why Saturn? Just love it. I would stare at pictures of it for hours. And I chose Enceladus because it simply fascinates me. And it seems easier to see Saturn from a moon than it’s own surface.

So.. Beep boop beep, beam me up Scotty. Space robot out

I wasn’t always autistic, I picked it up a few years ago from some dude on the bus.

Ok, so obviously that’s not how autism works. Here’s the shorter version of the short version. Autism is a developmental disability. You are born with it, you will live with it and eventually take it to sweet baby Jesus with you.

You can not catch it, develop it, cure it, or run away it. Those are the facts at their simplest. I’m not touching the vax/anti Vax disaster except to say that while it can’t be the direct cause of these cases, I have absolutely no doubt it contributed to the development of symptoms not yet noticeable present. Or more likely took a child whose autism would’ve been higher functioning and attributed to the rapid development more severe symptoms resulting in nonverbal and far less functioning autistics. That’s it, that’s my opinion and that’s all.

So, what do i mean when I say I wasn’t always autistic? Well, secret is… I always was. I just was lucky enough to slip slipped through every crack there is.

It wasn’t until I was 41 that I knew. I know right, I couldn’t believe it either! But almost immediately after I could believe it. Then (que terrible cliché reference) it was like the fog cleared and things got clear, very clear. I was so relieved. Everything, all my questions made sense.

Then I quickly realized that it isn’t outside the realm of possibility that alot of the terrible things people say I did, I actually did. Without me knowing or seeing it. A great many things were reevaluated and it still troubles me.

Ok, so what about the from here till there. Well it wasn’t a single effort, oh no… Took the whole village to mess this kid up.

Strike one, the Era in which I was born. Not big run on autistic babies back in 76. Not enough was known and what was know wasn’t known well enough.

Although it was 1940 when Hans Asperger started his observations of autistic children. It wasn’t until an English Dr in 1981 officially discovered the syndrome that bears his name. Then in 2013 aspergers syndrome was worked into the autistic spectrum. Now we have ASD 2, mabey we wouldn’t need to raise so much awareness if you would stop changing the name and definition… Lol.

More on that subject in the upcoming special “ok so I’m bipolar, nope now I’m bipolar 2, ok back to bipolar 1 then flip a u turn wave at bipolar 2 on the way right back to bipolar 1 and wait…and hello cyclothymia.

My mother never cared much for me. Certainly not enough to take me to the doctor unless she absolutely had to. She quickly began to ignore my asking for help, so I would scream that I hurt or something was wrong. That’s when the whooping would start. After that was the bad boy box. She’d throw me in there and close me in for hours, sometimes closer to a whole day. Strike 2

Ok then, why didn’t the schools catch it. Location location location. I went to a smaller school out in the country.

I was always getting into trouble and I never understood why. The children were so fast to single me out. Not good in a smaller school in a smallish town.

I constantly did what I thought would make me fit in, but this effort resulted in getting beat up all the time. Since teachers claimed my disobedience was to blame for me getting beat up, so I was the one punished for getting my ass kicked.

Was not long before my Stimming became attention seeking. Shutdowns were pout festivals and meltdowns were simple tantrums. So schools labeled me a trouble maker and got myself grouped with troubled youths, the real bad kids. Essentially, they dropped me into the shark tank. Strike 3

Next is my lack of ability to recognize and understand feelings. Both emotionally but in this case physically. I don’t have the ability to express how things feel. And I feel things far more intensely than non autistics, but I didn’t know that then.

Try telling the doctor that the fuzzy needles move like waving static and see the help you get. I had stomach pains once, walked out with bronchitis medicine and stomach pain. It was well into my 30s that I figured out heartburn wasn’t me being hungry. And eating will make it worse. Strike 4

Another problem is the psychological system itself. I’ve been told by doctors that no doctor will put their name on a diagnosis as complicated and difficult. It’s to much of a risk to their career. Honest conversation I had with one of my doctors.

Strike 5 and I believe that is a goal folks… Lol

Who am I, and why are you reading this?

I’m Rayne, and I wish I had some a kick ass hook to reel you in like how I wrestle gangs of cloned evil robot murder bears bent on world devastation and cheese whiz, but I really don’t have anything that strange… But close.

So, the basics then. I’m 44, male, and mentally disabled. I have a brother who is also disabled. We both share this same abusive, alcoholic, and genuinely the worst mother. I’ve met my father but he quickly abandoned me for a second time. Besides an aunt and uncle out of state I don’t have any family.

I also don’t have any friends. I know several people by association, a few of those I consider buddies, but no real friends. This isn’t for lack of opportunity, more of a choice that was made to keep myself from being taken advantage of, tricked into something and otherwise hurt.

I am engaged to be married next month. She is astoundingly amazing, way tougher than me, and almost as unique as I am. I love her more than any word I know, but she also scares the shit out of me… Lol. You see, she is also disabled with a collection of disorders including some bipolar related anger issues. She hasn’t been granted disabled status despite the fact that she is actually qualified and is in desperate need of assistance. We struggle with only my Ssdi income for us both and that barely cover rent.

Now it hasn’t always been a classic happy dappy fairy tale, more like Freddy Krueger meeting Elmo at the Vatican for Sunday brunch and tequila shots. But there is more than just a connection here, we are both quite convinced we are two souls in time that’s just can’t get it right so we keep coming back to each other.

Her family is… Crazy.. Lol. But they are my kinda crazy and they are all truly good hearted people. Even though on my best days, I am a frustratingly difficult to handle or even tolerate they have unconditionally accepted and even adopted me into the family.

While I do not work, I am no deadbeat or mooch! I worked at least one job often two from age fifteen until late my late 30 when I simply couldn’t anymore. I tried and pushed myself to keep working but I ended up becoming severely sick, had several mental breaks/psychotic breakdowns, a few suicide attempts and the inevitably long hospital admission. Followed immediately by another shot at ending myself and a revolving door return to those comfy comfy hospital beds.

I could have applied for disability in my early twenties, I certainly was qualified and my brother was already collecting for his autism. I just don’t like accepting that which I didn’t earn. I have trouble getting help from people. Certainly can’t ask for anything serious like not being able to eat for more days I’ll admit or all those attempts to “opt out” of future life engagements. I’ve spent many nights sleeping in parks and under bridges because I was either to ashamed to ask, didn’t want to burden others, or the big I’m not worthy of getting helped.

Any then there was that…. Wait… Nevermind, that brings us to present day. Not quite Lifetime Channel worthy huh. Well not to worry friends, that’s just the short and simple teaser trailer. Tune in every week, or day or mabey every other week. Probably should have decided that before writing about it. Lol… Anyway I’ll show you a world you could not imagine. And hopefully raise awareness and spread acceptance and tolerance.

You can expect… Honestly, you never know what to expect from me. Lol. OK I guess youll get a chaotic collection of life stories, a random mess of my own autisic tendencies as well as my thoughts and ideas. Lists and lists of autistic facts, personal opinions and a loooong explanation of why I do those weird things and what craziness have I done this time, as a bonus I’ll throw in some “where did you get those bruises/scraps/cuts.”

DISCLAIMER, PLEASE READ.

A few things that I will not do! If I say something as fact you can be assured that I have evidence to back my statement. If I don’t have the ability to prove something as factual then I do not represent it as such. I will freely express my personal opinions, feelings, and beliefs but in the most non offensive manner I am able. While I am respectful of your personal beliefs and views I simply ask the same from you. Feel free to challenge, question, or disagree with me, but keep it classy please.

Some of my topics will abuse related. These postings need to be honest and unfiltered. Not necessarily suitable for some people. These subjects will be labeled as such to ensure those who does not want these types of stories can skip them.

Thanks for investing some time here, I certainly appreciate it and hope you learned something about my unique brand of totally messed up. I promise I’ll have a basket full of crazy shit you won’t believe… Nobody does at first.

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